I'm not exactly a hopeless romantic, so when I was tasked with writing a kissing scene for the 2017 Kiss Off event, I decided to go with what I knew--my inner band geek combined with a little bit of humor.
This was the end result:
First kisses in books and movies are pure deception. I mean, they all have it together, right? It always looks so smooth on the big screen like it’s meant to be. And I read all the time about how it’s “magical,” and their “tongues twirl in harmony” together.
Well, I have two words for that: bull and shit.
It’s almost like they set you up for disaster.
When Tom Bertram locked his lips to mine for the first time, it was nothing like what you read about or see on TV.
For starters, he had just finished his basketball game so he smelled like armpit and feet. And I don’t mean cute little baby feet. I mean gigantic-teenage-boy-can-wring-a-bucket-of-sweat-out-of-his-socks feet.
Secondly, not only am I taller than most of my teachers, but during basketball games, I’m also usually wrapped in a sousaphone.
After the final buzzer, Tom sidestepped the band and took the bleachers three at a time. When he reached me, he stepped square on my big toe, and when I opened my mouth to protest, he took that as his cue to stuff his tongue in it.
Literally down my throat.
Then he started licking the inside of my mouth like he was trying to get the last bit of yogurt out of the cup.
Dude tasted my tonsils. No lie.
And as if that wasn’t bad enough, what followed was what I now refer to as “Kimberly Pickett’s Sequence of Disastrous Events.”
Three of the tuba players decided they wanted a better look at Tom sucking my face off, and one of them slipped in a pool of basketball-induced armpit juice. When he collided with us, it freed me from Tom’s suction-cup lips, but also propelled my face straight into my mouthpiece, which knocked out my tooth. When I raised my hands to catch my incisor, my sousaphone slipped off my shoulder and the bell smacked Tom upside his sweaty head. Before I could catch him, he fell into Stacie Richards and almost ended up with her piccolo up his left nostril.
Stacie and Tom both landed on the trumpet section, who then demolished the French horns, who wiped out the clarinets. Needless to say, this led to the collapse of the entire Mendive Middle School band.
Our band director says he’s thankful nobody was decapitated by a random flying cymbal, and we’ll be lucky if we’re allowed back in the gymnasium.
So, yeah. My first kiss definitely leaves something to be desired.